Ladies, gentlemen, and other of the internet, if you would permit me, I would like to tell you about a thing that Americans do.
“Oh my God, you’re from Scotland? That’s so cool! I’m Scottish too!”
No, love. No you’re not.
Maybe this is just because I’m Scottish, and my family has pretty much been Scottish or English for the past eight thousand generations, and so I have no concept of “cultural ancestry”, but people claiming to be Scottish gets to me. Sure, be proud of where your ancestors came from. I don’t mind at all when people say “my family’s from Scotland” or “my ancestors are Scottish”. That’s fine. By all means, flout your Scottish ancestors. Love Scotland. Praise Scotland. Build a freaking shrine to Scotland. Move to Scotland if you really want. But realise that being Scottish is about more than having a bit of ginger blood in you. There’s a whole culture of irn bru, chips and curry sauce, Tennant’s lager, being given in trouble rather than being told off, football (whether you like it or not), driving on the left, furious patriotism, having strong opinions about independence, wearing kilts to weddings, free healthcare, red hairdye, brewdog, neds, constant sarcasm, and tablet.
Basically, if you cream yourself over a Scottish accent, giggle whenever I say “aye”, call mince and tatties “ground beef with potatoes”, and have never been told to “get yer rat oot” on a night out, then you can’t say you’re Scottish. You are American. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Seriously, America, you’re great. I love you guys. You don’t need to pretend to be from another country because your great-great-great-great granny was born there. It’s cool to just say you’re American. You have your own freaking country to be proud of. Come on, you guys can fly the American flag outside your house without people calling you eccentric. You’re, like, the champions of patriotism. Own it.
I mean, if you trace your ancestry far enough back, by that logic, you’re an amoeba (disclaimer: I am an English student. My knowledge of biology is severely limited. This may not be true).